


Scars

by dragonwings948



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (Big Finish Audio), Gallifrey (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s04e01 Reborn, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Torture, Kissing, Nightmares, POV Multiple, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:46:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26453578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonwings948/pseuds/dragonwings948
Summary: Following the events of Reborn, Narvin tries to come to grips with what he's lost and Leela attempts to figure out what's happened to him.
Relationships: Leela (Doctor Who)/Narvin (Doctor Who)
Comments: 18
Kudos: 13





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've wanted to write this scene ever since I first listened to the chapter, but this ended up a whole lot longer than I intended, probably spurred on by all the shippiness in Series 6...
> 
> Sorry about the first chapter 😬
> 
> By the way, HUGE spoilers for Reborn ahead!

Narvin stormed away. His footsteps resounded loud and angry throughout the corridors of the Axis. Yes, maybe he was simply proving himself to be the child they all thought he was but this time, he a right to be upset.

He’d been holding it together because there had been no other choice. He’d known that there were more important things at stake bigger than himself, so he’d pushed the reality of his fate to the back of his mind.

But now it came roaring back. The _pain,_ the feeling of his lives being torn away from him bit by bit, piece by piece. His skin tingled at the thought. From head to toe, his body was still completely sore. It hurt to simply flex his fingers.

But the physical pain couldn’t hold a candle to the pain he was experiencing on the inside.

A shudder ran down his spine.

_This is my last life._

The complete admittance of it forced the air from his lungs. It was like his hearts stopped beating altogether. He was barely able to keep it all in until he reached his room in the Axis.

And then he broke down.

He only made it just inside the room before he slid his back down the wall and slumped in a heap on the floor. Tears flooded his eyes. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried. Anxiety tightened in his chest. How could he live knowing that this was his very last chance at life? Of course he was always careful, always calculating the risks, but there had always been the knowledge of his regenerations to keep him sane. Now, how could he even muster the courage to walk out the door?

A knock sounded. He quickly swallowed his sobs and stood, straightening his robes in case whoever it was decided to burst in.

“Narvin? I wish to tell you I am sorry.”

_Leela._

Narvin took a moment before replying to quietly clear his throat and make sure his voice would sound level when he spoke. “Now isn’t the best time.” He stared down at his hands, still trembling.

There was a brief silence. “Is there something wrong?”

Narvin gulped down another panicked sob. _Wrong? It’s all_ wrong. _I’ll never be right again._

“I’m fine.” His voice squeaked and he cleared his throat. “Fine.”

“I did not ask if you were ‘fine.’”

Narvin grit his teeth. Exchanging verbal jabs with Leela was the last thing he wanted to do right now. “Please, just _go away,_ Leela.”

Another beat. “Very well.”

The resigned tone of her voice made him feel like the guilty one as he heard her walk away. But his plight quickly took over again. His thoughts shouted and yelled and wailed in his head until he wasn’t sure whether or not he was actually screaming out loud.

He had nothing to hold onto, nothing to steady him. It was like he was drowning, searching for purchase in the middle of an ocean.

Once again, he let himself go, this time without interruption. He’d never been less restrained in his entire life, but he was owed this.

He had lost more than anyone could ever imagine, and he would mourn for it.


	2. Chapter 2

The Axis was quiet.

The dimensional portals and all of the equipment that ran them were off. The temporary occupants of the Axis were fast asleep (or in K-9’s case, powered down and recharging), apart from one.

Leela wandered through the corridors, her footsteps as silent as a ghost’s. Despite the fact that this was the only time she’d get to rest before they went to another alternate Gallifrey, sleep didn’t come easily to her on the Axis. She could never be completely at ease; the place smelled of something…not _wrong,_ exactly, but something too foreign. Too unlike her own universe.

Besides, when everyone was asleep, there was no one to watch her. And when there was no one to watch her, she felt comfortable enough to try and hone her senses to make up for her lack of sight. The Axis was the perfect place to practice walking through turning and twisting corridors, as she still couldn’t navigate them very accurately without help. She’d run smack into a wall once, and while Romana had tried to hide the pity in her tone, it had been nearly tangible.

Leela walked slowly, feeling the area around her, smelling, listening, touching the walls when necessary. She had gotten to the point where she could sometimes tell when there was a corner or a junction just by sensing the open space around her. With more practice, maybe she could make it through the Axis all by herself without running into anything.

But just as she had the thought, she heard a scream.

Leela froze. Adrenaline rushed through her veins and rapid thoughts flashed through her mind.

_Brief cry._

_Painful. Filled with terror._

_Narvin’s voice._

_What could make Narvin scream in such a way?_

The last thought chilled her and she found herself running before her mind had even caught up. She always kept track of where she was going as she navigated the corridors, so she had no trouble finding her way to Narvin’s room. When she reached the general area she reached out and traced her fingers along the wall. After a moment, she found a door control and pressed it.

“Narvin, what is wrong?” she rushed inside and pulled out her knife, ready to fight any kind of man or beast that might have infiltrated the Axis.

But she heard no growling, no threats. She didn’t smell blood. Instead, she felt that the room was stuffy. She smelled sweat and tears. And there was only one other person breathing in the room besides her.

“Narvin?” she asked again, softer. She moved towards the sound of his breathing, which was rough and erratic. Her knees bumped into something that she assumed to be his bed. She reached out towards him to feel his pulse, wondering if he was incapacitated somehow and couldn’t answer, but his fingers gently wrapped around her wrist and pushed her away. There was a rustling of sheets and clothing and she imagined him sitting up.

“Leela, how— why—?” He sighed and let go of her.

Leela realised then that there was nothing sinister to fear. She sheathed her knife. She had wondered what could force such fear and pain to manifest itself in Narvin when she’d heard the scream, but the answer, of course, was too obvious.

She had seen it before, with Romana. Her Pandora-infused nightmares had caused her to face horrors that haunted her even in reality. In the few moments between waking and sleeping, Romana had displayed more emotion than Leela had ever witnessed from her. In fact, Leela had played out almost this exact instance before. She’d heard Romana scream, run into her chambers ready to fight, and instead had been presented with the broken state of her friend.

Oh, time lords. Leela couldn’t wonder at their dreams being so terrible. When they were awake, they pushed aside anything that they didn’t deem important, only to face it all in their darkest nightmares.

“I think that more happened to you on that Gallifrey than you have said.” She paused, loathing the thought that her own ridicule earlier had probably made things worse. “I truly am sorry for laughing at you earlier.”

“And I’m sorry for worrying you. I’m all right.” Narvin’s voice was hoarse, but Leela had only heard the one scream. Could it be he had been…crying?

“I know that you like to say you are, but you do not need to be ‘all right’ all the time.”

“You wouldn’t understand,” he bit back, more of his characteristic sarcasm edging into his tone.

Another realisation struck her. He hadn’t just witnessed something terrible; he had _been through_ something terrible. She should have noticed earlier with the way her probing had only produced anger, like prodding a wounded animal.

_Wounded._

She wished for her sight more than anything so that she could look him over and see what was wrong; but if he’d been physically wounded, why hadn’t Romana or Braxiatel mentioned it?

She remembered Narvin’s words from the day before: _“If I ever tell you what I’ve lost, you won’t think it so amusing.”_

She looked down where she thought his eyes were. “Will you tell me what you lost, Narvin?”

He huffed. “What difference will it make?”

“It will live in my heart too, and not just yours. Perhaps it will ease your mind when you dream—”

“Nothing can fix this.” His voice wavered. If she could hear that kind of emotion in Narvin’s voice, there had to be something terribly wrong.

She thought that towering over him might not be the best way to learn about what was going on, but she knew that invasion of “personal space” bothered him too, so sitting on the bed was out of the question. Instead, she lowered herself to the ground and leaned her back against the bed frame.

“You were…hurt?” Simply the thought, the words coming out of her mouth, made her stomach boil with rage.

A long pause followed. A thousand different scenarios ran through Leela’s mind, each more horrible than the last.

“Yes.”

Leela’s hands curled into fists. “But that is not all?”

Once again there was silence. Leela had no intention of rushing him; she was still surprised that he was telling her anything at all.

Narvin cleared his throat. His voice was very low, like he was trying to disguise it. “They invented a device that could…”

Narvin shifted again. The bed creaked. Leela sensed him moving from the bed and sitting down beside her. “Leela, you can’t tell anyone else about this.”

“I will not, if that is what you wish.”

It took a long time for him to speak again. She could hear how much effort it took him to work up to it. His breaths came shorter, he fidgeted nervously. She reached for his hand but found his arm instead and squeezed it.

Eventually his voice broke through the stillness, every word sounding like it had a heavy weight attached to it. _“All_ of my regenerations. They’re…gone.”

Leela gasped. Out of all the things she had been expecting, it hadn’t been that. It wasn’t a feeling she could fully comprehend, so she took a moment to put herself in his place, to consider the weight of what he had lost. As a time lord, he had several lives ahead of him. Death was something near and far away at the same time, but still a thing to be greatly feared, in his eyes. To have that finality brought so much closer, staring him in the eyes now, even… For someone as calculated and cautious as Narvin, she understood why he seemed to be slowly coming undone.

She turned her face towards him and pressed his arm again. “I know that I cannot fully understand what has been taken from you, but I understand enough to know that I cannot tell you with words how much I grieve for you.”

Narvin breathed a long sigh. He swallowed, but his voice still came out strained. “Thank you, Leela.”

“And if I should ever meet again with the ones who did this to you, they will die a slow death at the hands of my knife.”

Narvin laughed a brief ironic chuckle. “I should thank you for that too, I suppose.”

Leela took in a slow breath to calm her anger. It might have made him laugh, but it wasn’t what he needed right now. “You should rest, Narvin. I can tell you are not well.”

“I’m not sure if I can.”

“Then I will stay to make sure you do.”

She expected some kind of retort, but none came. Narvin sat silently for a long while before his breathing evened out. Leela smiled to herself, glad that she’d been able to help even if just in this small way. She allowed herself to doze off too, but it was only a light sleep and she woke periodically to check on Narvin. When he started to grow restless, she took his hand, and it was enough to calm him.

At one point some time deep into the night, Leela felt a sudden weight on her shoulder and Narvin’s breaths were warm against her cheek. She smiled and bit back a chuckle as she considered how mortified he’d be when he woke and found he’d leaned his head on her shoulder in sleep.

She fell asleep again. The next time she roused herself awake, she felt a flash of panic as the weight of Narvin’s head was no longer there. She listened closely for his breathing and suddenly realised that the weight hadn’t gone; it had simply shifted onto her lap.

Once again Leela nearly burst into laughter as she imagined Narvin waking up to find himself in such a state. But her amusement soon turned to curiosity. How had he moved so much in his sleep? But surely he hadn’t… _purposefully_ laid his head in her lap?

Either way, she didn’t mind in the least. In fact, the time lords always remained so distant from each other, both emotionally and physically, that the actual closeness to someone was welcome.

And more than that, she was glad that someone was Narvin.

Very carefully, she brought her hand to his head and felt his hair underneath her fingertips. It was lighter and softer than she’d thought it would be.

In his sleep, Narvin hummed as he breathed out a long, contented sigh.

Leela paused for a moment. A warm feeling washed over her, something she hadn’t felt in a very long time.

She kept her head on Narvin’s head, imagining that somehow her touch on his skull would allow her to fight off his nightmares. Because she would. If he was too afraid to face the world now, then she would protect him from the world.

She had the sudden urge to speak to him, knowing he wouldn’t hear her, but she was afraid she’d disturb him. Instead, she simply thought:

_Do not worry, Narvin. I will watch over you._

And with that, she fell asleep once more.


	3. Chapter 3

Narvin awoke feeling very warm.

He surfaced from unconsciousness slowly, somehow knowing beyond any shadow of a doubt that he was safe. He was still wearing his robes, which felt itchy and uncomfortable after wearing them for so long. He had a dull headache, probably from lying on the ground…

But while his lower half was definitely still on the solid ground, his head was somewhere much more comfortable, much warmer.

It clicked into place in a moment.

Narvin blinked his eyes open, and the only thing keeping him from shooting to his feet and jumping right back into his bed was also the reason for his embarrassment. Leela was leaning back against the side of his bed, her breathing deep and even.

And he was looking up at her from her lap.

 _How did this happen?_ he wondered. And then the next, more urgent question: _How do I move immediately without waking up Leela?_ Because if he woke her up while moving, she’d probably ask him the rather embarrassing question he didn’t want to answer. But if she had woken up at any point during the night, surely she already knew…

Narvin’s gut clenched and his cheeks felt like they were on fire. All he had to do was get past this moment, and no matter what happened, he’d make sure Leela knew it was imperative that neither of them ever spoke about this again.

Just as he had the thought, her fingers swept through his hair. He nearly jumped, but instead, his limbs locked into place. His chest suddenly felt very tight. So Leela _was_ awake, or at least half-awake. But did she know _he_ was awake? Was he supposed to know she was awake?

His hearts pumped faster in his ears until he was sure anyone a mile away would be able to hear them. He should try to formulate a plan of how he was going to fix this, how to regain his honour and make it less embarrassing, but…

Leela’s gentle caresses made it hard to have any sort of coherent thoughts. Every inch of him screamed with some kind of feeling or sensation he wasn’t familiar with. At the same time, the other half of him relished in the sense of peace and comfort that the gesture brought.

“Are you comfortable, Narvin?”

His breath caught. He focused back on her face and saw that she was wearing a smirk. She _knew._ And yet her fingers continued lazily sifting through his hair like she didn’t care that he was aware of it.

He tried to rationalize his thoughts. To Leela, it was probably just a soothing expression of comfort. Humans liked touch, he remembered. Maybe she was simply trying to calm him in the best way she knew how.

“Do not try to feign sleep. I can hear the change in your breathing.”

Narvin almost smiled. The reason why he probably wouldn’t smile ever again came crashing down around him afresh. It knocked the breath out of him all over again and a shudder ran through his body.

It hadn’t been a nightmare. He wasn’t going to regenerate.

Leela’s hand stilled. “Narvin?”

The cessation of Leela’s touch coupled with his own horror left him feeling like he couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t find the words to tell her not to stop.

It took at least one microspan for him to swallow, take a deep breath, and push through the murky waters of his mind enough to speak the first thing that popped into his brain:

“Why is your hand on my head?”

She stroked his hair one last time before her hand fell away. “You do not like it?”

Narvin battled with himself. He couldn’t be honest; that would be ridiculous.

“Ah. You do not want to admit that you like it.”

Irritation flared up within him at the idea that she could figure him out even without one of her most important senses. He was supposed to be able to keep this locked up inside. She wasn’t supposed to know…

…know what? That maybe he enjoyed being comforted by someone? That wasn’t really a crime, was it, especially after what he had been through?

Regardless, he sat up and moved to sit next to her, keeping a reasonable distance between them.

Leela’s head turned toward him. “If you would like me to go, Narvin, then I will. But I have a question to ask you first: why do you not simply say what you feel?”

Narvin looked down and attempted to straighten his wrinkled uniform. “Feelings are dangerous, Leela,” he said matter-of-factly. He _knew_ this. He lived by this. “Facts and logic will never change, but feelings…”

Instinctively he looked up to meet her eyes as he drove the point home, but immediately realised his mistake. However, that wasn’t the reason the words died on his lips as he gazed at her face.

 _Feelings._ No, they couldn’t be trusted. But they couldn’t be suppressed in an instant, either.

“Feelings are how we speak to each other.” She chuckled. “What use would your words be if there was no emotion behind them? What would the universe be like if we could not feel?”

Narvin huffed a humourless laugh. “At least there’d be no pain.”

Leela shifted her upper body to face him. “If there was no pain, there would be no comfort.” Her hand covered his. “If there was no comfort, there would be no love.”

Though he couldn’t see her eyes, he felt as if she was looking into his soul. He had the strange urge to avert his gaze and pull his hand away.

 _Love._ She said it so easily, like it was a word she used every day. When was the last time he had even thought of love? The last time he’d told someone he loved them?

The last time he’d _felt_ love?

“I am glad that I live in a universe _with_ feelings,” Leela concluded, “though it seems I am doomed to live with time lords who cannot understand them.”

He _tried_ to understand. Was she simply driving home a point about time lords in general, or was she talking to him directly? If only he could see into her eyes. Leela never hid what she felt; he’d be able to find the answer there.

Before he could stop himself he slid his hand from underneath hers and touched the cloth tied over her eyes. His brain caught up with his actions too late and he wondered if Leela would lunge at him.

Instead, her eyebrows furrowed together and wrinkles massed on her forehead.

“Leela.” His voice shook and he cleared his throat, trying to gain control of himself. “Would you mind if I…”

“Only if you tell me why.” Her voice was filled with simple curiosity, her lips were settled in a thoughtful frown.

Narvin swallowed. He formulated five different responses that were all completely rational, sane reasons why he should want to see her eyes. But once again his body did before his mind could think and all that came out was:

“I miss your eyes.”

As soon as he said the words, he dropped his hand. He’d put a toe over the line. He’d spent so long staying as far away from it as possible and now he’d said something he couldn’t take back. He could run, he realised, but he also considered that it might be even more embarrassing to run out of his own room. Leela would never let him live that down.

Besides, the feelings would follow him, wherever he ran.

Leela’s expression relaxed, perhaps a little shocked, but true to her word she reached up and pulled the cover from her eyes. There were still faded pink scars around her eyes and Narvin had a sudden urge to reach out and touch them. But then Leela blinked, revealing milky white irises that had only a faint trace of light blue left. She stared at him with unseeing eyes.

For a moment, Narvin considered how much Leela had lost. She’d never see the world around her ever again, and yet she didn’t complain. She endured his sarcasm and thoughtless jabs about her blindness. And she simply…lived with it.

He knew it wasn’t right or fair to compare the things they’d lost, but now both of them had scars of different makings. Maybe, as Leela had, he could learn to live with his.

“And I miss your expression,” Leela said solemnly. She reached out halfway between them, and Narvin understood. He shifted onto his knees and took Leela’s hand, guiding it to his cheek. He watched her face, so focused, so serious, as she traced a finger across his forehead, down his nose, and around his lips. Everywhere she touched his skin it felt like electricity running through him.

“When you are silent, I can only guess what you are thinking. Now, I can feel you are frowning, and I do not know what it means.” She finally cupped his cheek. “Will you tell me?”

Narvin’s mouth felt completely dry. “I…I’m not sure if I can.”

Leela frowned. “Why?”

“I don’t think even I know what I’m feeling right now.” He wasn’t only telling her the truth, but reaching out for help. He didn’t know how to cope with these feelings—yes, _feelings—_ inside of him, but she knew him well enough to know what he was thinking even when she couldn’t see him.

Because all _he_ knew was that his hearts were beating hyperactively, he couldn’t stop staring at her, and everything within him both ceased to function and lit up like a live wire at the same time.

A smile twitched at her lips. She moved onto her knees too—Narvin wondered if she knew she was copying his position—and moved toward him until their knees were nearly touching. “Then let me show you.”

Narvin didn’t dare to breathe or move as she leaned towards him. She stopped just before their noses touched, her lips hovering just inches away. Her thumb brushed across his upper lip. Once again she was focused, decided. She wasn’t hesitating for her own sake, but for his.

He didn’t know how to close the tiny breath of distance between them. He didn’t know how to tell her he was afraid. In fact, he wasn’t sure he knew how to do anything anymore. Maybe his brain had simply just stopped working.

But then Leela’s lips covered his and seemed to answer every question he’d ever had.

Kissing Leela was both new and familiar at the same time. New, because she was gentle. She was never gentle with him; always blunt, always dangerous and focused, but never gentle. Yet every touch was featherlight, each kiss lasting only a moment. But it was familiar, too, because it was Leela. Somehow the taste of her lips was exactly what he’d expected it to be. Her hair fell like a curtain around them, enveloping Narvin in her distinct scent of leather and grass and other wild things he couldn’t place. He didn’t know how someone so alien could feel so much like home.

Leela drew away with a final kiss. Her lips were curved into a pleased smile and she pushed her hair back behind her ear.

It took a microspan or two for Narvin to assess what had just happened, ensure himself it _had_ happened, and then appraise Leela’s expression. She was happy—no, more than that, _he_ had made her happy.

And even more surprising was the fact that he was happy too _,_ even despite the terrible loss he’d suffered. But now, even though she hadn’t moved much, Leela was too far away. Narvin finally moved his arms that had been lying practically dead by his side and wrapped them around her waist, pulling her back to him in a movement that was accidentally much jerkier than he’d intended. Leela stumbled a little and gasped, but then her grin grew even wider.

“Narvin!”

His face suddenly felt very hot and he instantly let go of her. He had absolutely no idea what he was doing; why had he even tried? At least, if anything, he had actually surprised her for once. “I’m sorry, I…I don’t know what came over me.”

“I have never known you to act so…so…”

“Decisively?”

She chuckled. “I will trust you that that is the right word.” She stayed close and brushed her fingertips down the side of his face. “Was I correct, then, about your feelings?”

Making sure that every movement was measured this time, Narvin lifted his hand and let her hair fall free again. He hesitated, then mustered up all of his courage and traced one of Leela’s scars with the gentlest of touches.

“Yes,” he said, barely breathing the word before he tangled his fingers in her hair and pulled her lips back to his.

Time passed—or, maybe it didn’t in the Axis—and as Narvin kissed Leela and held her in his arms, he knew she had been right.

He could tolerate a universe with pain for the sake of love.


End file.
